Please don’t be in love with someone else.
Maybe the next time you go looking for love you can see that I’m right here in front of you.
I think you know you need to change your lifestyle around when you A) Can’t breath 2) Feel sick when you’re sober and 3) Have to take Tylenol 3 times to get through a day. Headaches, embarrassment & hangovers = my life.
I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing.
Loss is always going to happen. Just like paint will always chip and rain will always fall, loss will always be part of life. No matter how much I don’t like it, or avoid it, it is going to walk my way at several times in my life. Learn to embrace it and learn to get closure
One day, whether you
you will stumble upon
someone who will start
a fire in you that cannot die.
However, the saddest,
most awful truth
you will ever come to find––
is they are not always
with whom we spend our lives.
As happy as I seemed, I left my boyfriend…the “love of my life” for someone else. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but every night my boyfriend now reminds me why I chose him. And I tell him I love him.
I’m going to tell my story to a blogger world full of strangers, without any hesitation, only in hopes that all my viewers are lucky enough to experience the same thing in their lifetime.
As any coming-of-age teenager, we all have bumps in the road which at this point in our lives usually convert to days of darkness. You know, when you think things are so bad they won’t ever get better.. Yeah, well I was stuck in a daze of constant sadness, would waste my days wasted or finding a temporary fix, looking for artificial happiness.. I was a senior in high school, so my ethic to work hard and get that diploma was slightly in tact because I was closer than ever.
I went to the library to quickly bullshit an essay due within the hour and sidetracked myself on facebook.. Yeah, what’s new, right? Some guy messaged me on facebook, and he said something most guys usually missed.. I was so used to “Sup” or “You’re so beautiful,” most likely than not spelled incorrectly, with veryyyyyy poor grammar.. I was honestly intrigued when I received this message. So enticed, in fact, unlike usual, I actually replied. What did he say that was so mesmerizing? “Hey!” Now, I don’t want to sound “easy” here, but all it took was a decent looking looking guy, to message me, and strike a real conversation that kept me so interested I sat on my seat for hours waiting for message after message, until finally, we had planned to meet up! Now, the circumstances of meeting up weren’t ideal. In all honesty, when it came to it, I was drunk off my ass and unfortunately have very little memory of that night.. My mom and I had gotten into it the next morning and instead of sitting around and probably trying to murder each other, this guy stepped in and opened up his home to me, just for a few days, to let things cool down and blow over. The only intention I had was to sleep on this guys couch for a day or two until finding a way home and continuing to live life the way I was before I met him. But when he picked me up, I already felt like I was loved. Not in a romantic way, in a friendly way. I had someone who cared about me, how I felt, what I was doing, where I was staying, someone who didn’t just brush my feelings off as “oh just sleep on it.” I’m not sure if I knew it at the time, but.. we made love that night for the first time.
Waking up that next day, I had no idea what it would bring. Somehow we both formed some kind of need for each other.. some kind of want for each other.. some kind of mental stability, dependence thing for each other. I wasn’t the only one going through a hard time apparently, and we both helped each other out of the dark from our own shadows of our pasts.
I wasn’t sure where I was going, and I really didn’t care as long as I was with him. Things were perfect in the first few months or so, because we hadn’t discovered each others ticks or uncovered each others pasts. We spent more time together and realized more about each other, had our first fights, our make ups, our break ups, our “I can’t live without you’s” and “I can’t live with you’s.” Our “perfect” relationship turned into complete self destruction and made us turn into monsters. We couldn’t breathe next to each other without ripping each others faces off. Sure, we had real fights.. Other people got brought into the mix, lies were told, we were together by habit the last few months. Of course, we had real feelings for each other, absolutely. We just weren’t helping each other. We weren’t reassuring each other enough. We weren’t making each other feel good enough. We weren’t making each other feel anything..
On November 20th, my 19th birthday, we parted ways for the first time for more than a week. After convincing myself it was really it and he had moved on, I wanted nothing more than to do the same (Actually I wanted him back more than anything, I just really did not think there was any chance in Hell I’d hear from him again). I started seeing other people, hanging out with my friends for literally days at a time, and of course missing him on the side, even though at the time I wouldn’t use a breath to admit it. Who was I kidding, I couldn’t even turn on the radio without thinking about him.. ironically it was always one of our songs we always sang to or saw live together. I couldn’t sleep a full night’s sleep without waking up and reaching over for him, and couldn’t help but tear up when I realized he really was not there and would not ever be there again. I couldn’t get over the fact that the last time we made love, really was the last time.. and that I would never feel his touch again.. A few weeks went by yet again, and I was finally rerouting my life to live without him. I wasn’t okay without him by any means, but I was learning..
I was at work the day after Christmas, of course sidetracked on facebook, as usual, and I got a message, that really shocked me.. from the same guy that I had fallen in love with months before. At that precise moment, I really don’t have a word to describe how I felt. I don’t know if I was happy, or sad, or scared.. I don’t know if there’s a word for feeling the way I felt, but I’ll go ahead and say I was all three. After a few messages of small talk and bullshit, I did something I never thought I would do again. I saw him. Hearing his voice for the first time in just a short month was soooooo weird.. Yet at the same time, reassuring.. warming.. and very, very safe. I haven’t played too much into “religion,” but I have a lot of faith. And I had prayed for that night to come, every day since we parted. And it was a new beginning to the rest of our lives. We picked up like it was nothing, yet it was everything. We finally got the real beginning we should have had to start with.
Now every day when I wake up, he’s right there in my arms.. And every night when I go to bed, if he’s not there, it’s because he’s out protecting and serving the hometown he’s proud of, and knowing that, makes my heart proud of him. He is absolutely everything in a man I had dreamed about as a little girl and I know that he can give me the future I deserve and I will do nothing but the same. Life with him couldn’t be anymore perfect, in order to never have to be without him again, I will NEVER take him, or his love for granted. He is my soul mate and he is my sun. He is my better half forever, my number one.
Guys I made the thing.
I’m somehow stuck between loving you and loving myself. For some reason I really cannot do both. At the end of the day, I choose you.
And every day is more self destructive than the day before.